Scripture Reading: Psalms 127:1
“Except the Lord build the house, they labour in vain that build it: except the Lord keep the city, the watchman waketh but in vain.”
A woman woke up one morning, turned to her husband and said, “Honey, I just had a dream that you bought me a new gold necklace. What do you think it means?”
He answered, “I don’t know, but Valentine’s Day is coming soon. Then you’ll know.”
A few nights later, she again woke up after having a dream. She said, “This time, I dreamed you gave me a pearl necklace. What do you think it means?”
“You’ll know on Valentines’ Day,” he replied.
The morning of Valentine’s Day, she again woke up telling him about her dream: “This time I dreamed that you brought me a diamond necklace. What do you think it means?”
“Honey, be patient,” he said. “You’ll know tonight.”
That evening, the husband came home with a package and gave it to his wife. Delighted, she opened it–and found a book titled The Meaning of Dreams.
This is St. Valentine’s Day. There are several legends about St. Valentine, but all of them have the same element; sacrificial love. Valentine literally gave his life to aid others. It was told that St. Valentine was one of those early committed Christians. Valentine lived in Rome during the third century. Christianity was illegal at that time. Rome was ruled by an emperor named Claudius. Claudius wanted to have a big army, and go out and conquer lots of people so that Rome would grow bigger and bigger. He expected men to volunteer to join, but many men just did not want to fight in wars. They did not want to leave their wives and children. This made Claudius furious. So what happened? He had a crazy idea. He thought that if men were not married, they would not mind joining the army. Claudius decided not to allow any more marriages. Young people thought his new law was cruel. They were sort of into commitment in those days. Valentine was a priest and he performed marriages. After Emperor Claudius passed his law, he performed secret marriage ceremonies. One night Valentine was caught, thrown in jail and sentenced to die. But many young people came to the jail to visit him. They threw flowers and notes up to his window. One of these young people was the daughter of the prison guard, and the prison guard allowed her to sit and visit with Valentine. This is not a fairy tale, and things did not end happily ever after. On the day Valentine died, February 14, he left a note for the young woman, and he signed it, “Love from your Valentine.” Legend has it that she and her family became Christians.
Christians recognized that act of sacrifice and set aside a day to remember it. Somewhere along the time trail, the element of sacrificial love was replaced with the element of romantic love. Even so, I think having a day to focus on love is a good thing. We have Mother’s Day, Father’s Day. I thought today we should remember couples: married couple especially, but also courting couples.
I read a story about a couple who celebrated their fiftieth wedding. They were in their seventies. Ted, the husband, had lost much of his hearing during this time. And yet they were still getting along together and celebrating this great anniversary. Their family came from all over and enjoyed celebrating together through the midmorning into the afternoon. Finally, toward sundown, all the family went home. Bessie and Ted decided to walk out on the front porch and sit down on the swing and watch the sunset. The old gentleman pulled his tie loose and leaned back and didn’t say much. Bessie looked at him somewhat in wonder and said to him, “You know, Ted, I’m real proud of you.” The old gentleman turned and looked at her rather quizzically and after a moment said, with a puzzled look on his face, “Well, Bessie, I’m real tired of you too!”
Sadly, far too many marriages reach that same place. The husband and the wife just get tired of one another and they go their separate ways. That is not God’s ideal for marriage. God wants marriages to be strong. He wants them to last long. He wants them to be a reflection of His relationship with His redeemed people. There are a few truths I want to share for the spouses; and by that I mean married couple. Of course this is also for courting couple because I believe that the ultimate purpose of your courtship is that you are going to marry that person you are courting.
1. It all begins with God
Psalm 127:1 says, “Except the LORD build the house, they labour in vain that build it: except the LORD keep the city, the watchman waketh but in vain.” The Lord is mentioned in Psalms 127 in some fashion at least 14 times. This verse teaches us the truth that every endeavour in life must be based on a relationship with God; that includes a strong marriage.
As most of us know, over 50% of all marriages in our nation fail. Many fall apart during the stormy times. Things like debt, lust, business of life, loss of interest in the other partner, and a host of other things can bring marriages to the brink of disaster. No marriage, not even Christian marriages are immune from these upheavals. However, a marriage that stands on the bedrock of a strong relationship with Jesus Christ can weather any storm that comes along. Luke 6:47-49 says, ‘Whosoever cometh to me, and heareth my sayings, and doeth them, I will shew you to whom he is like: He is like a man which built an house, and digged deep, and laid the foundation on a rock: and when the flood arose, the stream beat vehemently upon that house, and could not shake it: for it was founded upon a rock. But he that heareth, and doeth not, is like a man that without a foundation built an house upon the earth; against which the stream did beat vehemently, and immediately it fell; and the ruin of that house was great.’
It is the great C.S Lewis that said this: ‘When I have learnt to love God better than my earthly dearest, I shall love my earthly dearest better than I do now. In so far as I learn to love my earthly dearest at the expense of God and instead of God, I shall be moving towards the state in which I shall not love my earthly dearest at all. When first things are put first, second things are not suppressed but increased.”
Our society has come to such a state that unattached single, especially ladies are anxious during Valentine Day. We, married couple on the other hand say, ‘You don’t know what you are asking for.’ Anyway, my daughter Jan is no different. But whosoever she finally gets along with, she has to start with a foundation for her married life one day. That foundation is to have a strong relationship with Jesus Christ; before marriage and after marriage. Jan knows that very well.
2. The first is love
There are several non-negotiable essentials that stand as pillars in every strong, spiritual marriage. The first is love. When we speak of love, we are not talking about the kind of love portrayed in Hollywood. Movies and television depict love as nothing more than sexual desire. While the sexual relationship within the context of marriage is very important, even it flows from a deeper, more spiritual kind of love.
Paul describes the kind of love we are talking about in 1 Cor. 13:4-6, which says, ‘Charity suffereth long, and is kind; charity envieth not; charity vaunteth not itself, is not puffed up. Doth not behave itself unseemly, seeketh not her own, is not easily provoked, thinketh no evil.’ This is quoted in many wedding ceremony. A closer look of love’s character is in order here.
v. 4 ‘Suffereth Long’ – This word means “patient endurance even when provoked, long-tempered”. Love does not retaliate!
v. 4 ‘Is Kind’ – Last Sunday, I shared that God speak kindly to us. And immediately Pastor Lily uses the word on me when my tone was raised in a recent conversation. What pastor Lily was trying to get the message across is I need to speak kindly to her and with that it implies compassion, consideration and respect for her.
v. 5 ‘Is Not Easily Provoked’ – True loves keeps no record of evils done to it. I have to be honest with you. In my early marriage I kept a lot of evil done but as the years go on I can also proudly say, I don’t keep evil in my relationship with my wife. That is not saying, we don’t fight. But once the fight is over, I don’t keep the evil done. I take no worthless inventory. I think I learn to have compassion on my spouse and respect her over the years.
This kind of love is to be mutual. The husband is commanded to love his wife with every fibre of his being. A home filled with love is a home filled with the essence of Heaven!
On January 26th, 2005 a California train derailed, killing 11 people and injuring over 200. One of those 200 was a 44 year old man named John Phipps. His story is the basis for this illustration. Phipps was the man who, though pinned in the wreckage of the train, scrawled a message in his own blood to his wife and kids. As he regained consciousness, he examined his head and body and saw he was bleeding profusely. An upended train seat sat right above him, and thinking he might be dying, wrote this message: “I (heart symbol) my kids. I (heart symbol) Leslie.” Later he said, “It wasn’t a conscious thought. I’ve always told my wife and kids I loved them, and it just happened. I didn’t plan it. I didn’t say I have to leave a last word. I just wrote it without thinking.” The first thing that came to his mind when he thought he was dying was his wife and children. He loves them.
His rescuers came on the scene minutes later and saw the message. Fire Captain Robert Rosario said, “I’ve seen some gruesome things on this job, but that moved me. My only thought was, I have to get that seat to his wife and kids.” His wife said about the message, “Hallmark is never going to top that. It’s moving, it’s thoughtful and it’s chilling all at the same time.”
The story of John Phipps and his message written in his own blood is a moving one, especially at this time in which we celebrate human love, Valentine’s Day. John Phipps’ life has changed forever. He is a production worker in an aerospace plant in Burbank, CA. Before the train wreck, he was a total unknown to the rest of the world. Now he will forever be known as “the man who wrote his love in his blood.” His one deed, done in a moment of time, defines him in the minds of most people. His family will never forget the message he sent to them that winter morning.
There is another moving love story written in blood, one I want us to consider now. That love is the love of Jesus Christ for a lost world. John 3:16 says “For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life.” Wrapped up in that little word “gave” is a powerful truth. It means “to furnish, to give forth from one’s self,” and is the aorist tense (no limit), meaning it has no starting point or ending point. The love of God the Father was a giving love, a furnishing love. The gift that the Father gave was not a neatly packaged, wrapped with wrapping paper, tied with a bow, gift. The gift of Jesus Christ to a sinful world was a bloody gift, a shocking gift, a sacrificial gift; a sacrificial love.
How about women? We have seen the example of John Phipps and his love message. How about women? Respect. This writing comes from a woman. ‘My husband, Ron, admits that he used to be jerk, but I discovered a secret formula that turned him into a loving husband: I started treating him like a VIP! Ron always wanted me to respect him, but I thought he had to earn it and I had to feel it, before I could do it. Wrong. We women are very good at pointing out our husbands’ faults and failures and punishing them for not meeting our needs, but that only leads to discontent and distance in our marriages. We all know that yelling, nagging, and belittling are disrespectful and ineffective. So I’m suggesting a radical concept: Treat him like a king, and eventually, hopefully, he will begin to treat you like a queen.’
3. Loyalty
Loyalty – Eph. 5:31 says. ‘For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother, and shall be joined unto his wife, and they two shall be one flesh.’ It speaks of the law of “leaving and cleaving”. This was what God expected of the first married couple, and it is what He expects of every other married couple. When a man and woman are married, there is a fundamental shift in their relationships to others. Their relationship with the parents is altered forever. It can still be strong, but the marriage relationship must have pre-eminence over the parental relationship. Children need to let go and so do parents. Few things are more devastating to a marriage than a failure to “leave and cleave”. I argue a lot with Pastor Lily in the early years of our marriage because of my parents. But I thank God, I believe the principle of the bible and I accepted the word of God. So when it comes to a choice between my parents and my wife, I choose my wife. It was not easy, because I love my parents a lot. But I make a deliberate choice to choose the side of my wife over the years. Pastor Lily has to be fair to me that I very seldom go into an argument with my wife over my parents, even though I felt they were right at times. The word “joined” means “to be glued”. It is the idea of two things being bonded together in such a way that they cannot be torn apart. It is a bond so strong and so deep that you cannot tell where one begins and the other ends. What happens in the end? I think Pastor Lily is the favourite daughter-in-law of my father. My mum love to talk to Pastor Lily.
This kind of loyalty is spelled out in 1 Cor. 13:7, ‘Beareth all things, believeth all things, hopeth all things, endureth all things.’ Look at the characteristics of true loyalty.
Beareth all things – Loyal even when things are tough. It doesn’t walk out in the day of trouble.
Believeth all things – Loyalty believes in one’s mate. It trusts them.
Hopeth all things – Loyalty never looks for the worst in them, but only believes the best.
Endureth all things – Loyalty sticks it out. Loyalty does not abandon the fort.
Respect – Mutual respect is fundamental for any marriage that expects long term success. Several passages speak about this matter. Let’s consider a few today.
Eph. 5:22-24 says, ‘Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church: and he is the saviour of the body. Therefore as the church is subject unto Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in everything.’
These verses have been among the most loved and hated of the New Testament. Some men love to hang these verses over the heads of their wives and demand that they fall down before them in obedience. Some women read these verses and feel that they make the wife inferior to the husband. Neither interpretation is correct. God is not establishing the husband as some kind of dictator in the home. Nor is God relegating the wife to a place of servitude. The word “submit” means “to arrange under”. The truly spiritual wife recognizes God’s order in the home. She understands that it is a reflection of God’s order in the church. Jesus is the head of the church and we are to submit to His headship. The husband has been given the responsibility of leading the home and the godly wife follows the husband’s leadership willingly and humbly. The husband is not to demand submission from the wife. She is to offer it freely and lovingly. This submission is to her “own husband” only! Women are not subservient to men. They are equals, even in the home. But, God has invested leadership in the husband and he will be held responsible for the home. He will give an account for his actions as the head of the home when he stands before Jesus.
The reason some wives have a hard time submitting to their mates is because the man is anything but Christ-like in his love for her! Ladies, this is no excuse for rebellion in the home! You are told to “submit” without respect to how he acts toward you. Even if your husband is lost, you have the duty of submission, Ill. 1 Pet. 3:1-6. Men, your wife will be more likely to follow your lead if she knows you love her with every fibre of your being.
4. Faithfulness
There is a show in America TV that is called the Rikki Lake show. The show was about husbands that had babies with someone else’s wife. Complete with screaming and name calling bleeped out. Another is the Jerry Springer Show. When we talk about love, we talk about commitment. Promises. Covenants. These ideas were lost on that TV crowd, and these ideas are largely lost in the world today. We live in a time when promises and words can easily be broken, and no one much cares. I have been accused of many things for the past 3 years; I did not graduate from the NUS and my bachelor’s degree is a fake. I stole money from the organisation to go to Europe to help my daughter, Jan set up her lodging in France. The latest accusation was very interesting. I am accused of fathering a child that doesn’t belong to Pastor Lily. Well when Pastor Lily told the staff recently of this accusation, they had a good time laughing. So I asked, Pastor Lily; ‘Do you believe that I fathered a child that is not yours?’ Well she told me in no uncertain term that she would have left me. Jan also added, that she can’t picture herself seeing her father having a child that is not of this marriage.’ But what I am trying to share is the scary consequence if it is true. Faithfulness is important in marriage.
I am talking about fathering babies and leaving them to fend for themselves. I am talking about the elements of commitment, promises and covenants. We replace covenants with laws; many a time man made laws. By the time Jesus was born there were well over a thousand laws to keep. And you might recall that Jesus was always getting in trouble for breaking those laws, like healing on the Sabbath, eating with sinners, that sort of thing. Jesus was more concerned with the covenant with God than the law.
Jesus burst on the scene and pretty much turned things upside down. People insisted on following him even though their own lives were in jeopardy. People insisted on following him even though they might lose their lives: commitment, promises and covenants. You know, if we stop to contrast those early committed Christians with the uncommitted souls we see on Rikki Lake – well, it’s beyond contrast, isn’t it? There is commitment, promises and covenants. There is faithfulness in strong marriages: commitment, promises and covenants.
In conclusion, there is a little pre-school song. I will spare you and not sing it, but it goes something like this, “Love is something if you give it away, you end up having more.”
Marriage is one of the greatest gifts God ever gave to humanity. But, it is truly beautiful when it is operates like God intended it to.
Has He spoken to you about your marriage? Husbands and wives might want to come and pray together today. You might want to ask the Lord to strengthen your bonds. You might want to iron out some troubled places. You might need to apologize to your spouse for acting like a jerk. You might want to come and thank God for what He has done in your home. This would be a great time to make your marriage stronger.
